Hi everyone. This year has been all about figuring myself out. In terms of sexuality and hitting 23 years old, what path I really see myself going down. After many relationships with men, and many LGBTQIA+ books later, I came to terms with my sexuality.
I sat and thought to myself what did I have in common with the failed relationships…The feelings weren’t there for me, but for them. Sadly, I broke a lot of hearts because I felt “meh” about the other person. Seriously, I never wanted intimacy or felt passion. It was too friendly for me, in my part. I’ve always been friends with boys more than girls, so that made sense. I was a total tomboy, even in the clothes I wore. But, I wasn’t too open or educated on LGBT+ and what it means. So, the idea of liking girls never came to my mind or I would quickly push it away. I always thought that I liked the attributes girls & women I knew had or wanted to be them.
Elementary School/My First Crush: It all clicked once I thought about it. I tend to have an obsessive personality and this can happen with people. My first crush that I can remember is a girl named Paige in 6th grade but could also say it started in 4th grade. She became sick and wasn’t in school for a few weeks because she was diagnosed with diabetes. I remember being so worried. In sixth grade, my classmates probably thought I was weird and crazy, because I became infatuated with her. One day I was called on in class and asked to pick a name and of course I picked hers. Past Alyssa….WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!!!! My classmates gave me strange looks. I remember talking to my best friend about her and I wouldn’t stop. After her, I became to have many other girl crushes. I usually hung out with girls one on one. Only because of social anxiety and being an introvert, but I wanted to be with them. However, it wasn’t that easy to just know that I really liked girls and if I would’ve registered this back then, it wouldn’t have taken til 23 to figure out. Sexuality is confusing and can take years to figure out. I truly believe everything happens for a reason.
High School – My group of friends were gay and emo kids. I distinctly remember having a crush on this girl I was friends with in 9th grade and we had gym class together. She was small and super cute, her name was Julie. Like my first crush, the crush grew when we had the same History class together Junior year. She would write in cursive and sat next to me. I ended up writing in cursive too because I’m a hopeless romantic. So cute though!! I should also mention I was a big Paramore fan 😉
Anyway, it was quite obvious now that I think back to it. I also could never describe to any of my boyfriends the feelings I had for them or even say something on the lines of “you’re hot/sexy/etc”. But, my sexuality became extremely vaild when I started having a big crush on someone I know. I kept ignoring it but I would constantly smile when I got a message from her. My mom even asked me one day “Are you a lesbian?” and I replied, ” Oh! No!! I like boys”. Mom knows best, am I right? She also said when I got the sex talk I grossed out and that’s how she knew.
Then, this year I read Note To Self by Connor Franta. His chapter about sexuality validated it for me, extremely. Thanks, Connor!! I remember reading the chapter and being so scared but all of my feelings were natural.
Now that I have come to terms with my sexuality, I feel more confident with myself and comfortable. Some of my anxieties have died down as well. I was always anxious about my sexuality. I did think I was bisexual because of my attraction to boys, but there was always something in my gut telling me, “nah you’re definitely gay”. Now, I feel so great and very happy.
I am out to my Mom, and siblings. Not my Dad for reasons I want to disclose. Please, do not come out unless it’s a safe environment and time. I mean this so much.
I will be making a Coming out video on my channel soon. Writing is more therapeutic for me, though. That is why I decided to start with this post. So, expect more gay stuff posted on this blog!